Say 'No' to 'No.'

Blake 'helping' in the garden

One of the best things I ever read about parenting toddlers was the advice to curb use of the word 'No.'

Use 'Not now,' 'We're not touching that at the moment,' 'Enough,' 'Stop,' etc.  Even better, frame your requests in a positive way.  'Hey, over here,' 'Look at this,' 'Let's go and (walk in the garden, play the drums, pat the dog.)'  Anything but the dreaded No.  Toddlers faced with a constant barrage of No trend to have frustration-tantrums, learn not to listen, learn that No is meaningless, or learn to say No to everything themselves.

Tell the child how to, rather than not to, do something, 'Pat the dog gently,' 'Glass can break ~ touch it like this.'  Toddlers need experience of how to do things, and if told constantly NOT to do things, their frustration levels rise, and tantrums ensue.

A small note on tantrums ~ all kids will have them, sometimes.  They are a natural reaction to a world built for big people, with boundaries in place that little people don't understand, and especially to not having the words and skills to express their desires.  If you can't say, 'But Mum, I want to play a while longer,' then the reaction is likely to be, 'WAAAAHHHHH!'  Great ways to prevent and reduce tantrums are
                       Don't give in once you've said Enough or Don't touch (think very carefully before you say anything, so you NEVER go back on your word)
                       Explain the way to ask for what you think the child wants (Yes, I want juice, or No, I don't want it, etc.  My toddler thinks this is a great game, watching Mum talk to herself like this, and he finds it so funny that is defuses most tantrums).
                       Model the behaviour you want, ie, don't have tantrums yourself in front of the child.  If you need to go outside to kick a brickwall or scream, do it.  If you lose your cool, your kid will think that's a great new game ~ getting Mum/Dad to lose their cool.  It also shows the child you think this is acceptable behaviour.
                       Give a '5 minute warning' before nappy changes, activity changes and leaving a place your child is enjoying.  Say WHY these things are necessary ('We need to change your nappy so you don't have a wet bum, we need to go so we can get to Grandma's').
                       Give the incentive of a next thing to look forward to doing. 'We have to leave now,' is nowhere near as enticing as 'We have to leave now so we can play with Play-Doh at home.'

I will do a whole future post on tantrums and how to 'Pitch the next thing coming', for now, though, this is supposed to be about the word 'No'!

Some things are annoying for toddlers as they are objects their parents often touch, like hot mugs of coffee, and which are totally out-of-bounds.  Make your life easier by ALWAYS watching where you put your coffee, not ever letting young children play with cups and mugs (it's much harder to go back if you allow it even once), and teaching WHY it is important not to touch...'The mug is HOT.'  Hot and stop are two words I've cultivated inbuilt reactions to in my boy.  Hot means keep your hands away.  Stop means go no further, or freeze where you are.

The most important thing to remember about the word No is not only do we say it so much it loses real meaning, but it doesn't tell the child what to do.  It often doesn't even tell them what not to do....No?  No, what?  No, don't touch the crystal vase, or no, don't stand here or no, don't breathe...?

A positive direction is telling the child what to do, ie, come and do this instead of doing that (prohibited) thing.  A good analogy is ~

You are training a dog.  The dog keeps jumping up all the time.  Instead of saying No, don't jump (the dog, like a toddler, is likely to only hear the word Jump, and think they are doing what you wish), saying, 'Fido, SIT,' will achieve so much more.  You are giving a direction that, if followed, precludes jumping.  Dogs, like children, naturally want to please.

Positive directions/redirection takes the focus AWAY from the object/activity we want to dissuade, and takes the focus to something new that is allowed.

A quick note on sensory development ~ it is often not possible for young children to listen to your directions, pay attention to whatever they are captivated by, and take everything in all at once.

Touch your child on the shoulder and say their name before the direction is given.
Repeat directions a few times, if needed.  Use simple language and words you know they understand.
Get down to their level and look them in the eyes when you speak.
If you are showing them something and want their attention, tap, scratch or use noise to show them where you want their attention.

Getting kids to help with small tasks is a great way of cultivating helpfulness, and getting them involved in activities you want to do yourself.

Get them to carry small objects, constantly praising their abilities.
Hand you the pegs while you are hanging out clothes.  They can put the washing into the basket for you.
Turn the tap on and off while you are filling the watering-can.
Taste-test for you while you are cooking.
Carry a bag with a few items while you are in the shops.

All these suggestions have the added bonus of increasing small-motor skills and sensory development ~ a lot more positive than, 'No, don't touch it!'

Thanks for reading.  Please subscribe (link at the bottom of this page) or follow this blog for more toddler tactics, and remember that EVERYTHING can be a learning experience if approached in a certain way ~ sometimes for your child, and often for you.